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Musings and Meanderings

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The year in Review
From Earth number two
thanks to George for this one

-----

The year 2005 was bright and shiny on Earth II, where George Bush lives.

And why not? News of reality from Earth I never makes it to the
president's desk on Earth II.

On Earth II, Brownie did a heck of a job, and poverty was wiped out in
America when all the poor people were sent to live like cattle in an
arena.

No child was left behind, freedom was still on the march, and a
brain-dead woman in Florida trumped a heartsick mother in Texas in
getting the president's attention.

Creationism was renamed Intelligent Design in a stunning public
relations move.

"Plan for Victory" won the 2005 White House Slogan of the Year,
belatedly, but finally replacing "Mission Accomplished" as the
definitive Earth II commentary on the Iraq war.

Bush decreed there's no such thing as global warming, thereby solving
that problem once and for all.

Plus, word definitions were agreeably changed. "Deficit reduction plan"
on Earth II, for example, actually means "deficit growth plan" here on
Earth I.

Prisoners (called "detainees" on Earth II) can be tortured there, and so
can the English language. Oddly, Bush is entirely coherent in his
alternate universe.

Thus, we present highlights of 2005 on Earth II - in George Bush's own
words.

Much to the relief of God, Bush began the year with a surprise,
albeit tortured, announcement that he is not God:

"We are in no way, shape or form should a human being play God."
(Jan. 14)

In February, we learned that Social Security was the top crisis on
Earth II. Who knew? And Bush had a plan to save it:

"Because the - all which is on the table begins to address the big
cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is
on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or
price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being
considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers,
affecting those - changing with personal accounts, the idea is to get
what has been promised more likely to be - or closer delivered to what
has been promised."
(Feb. 4)

Bush also clarified his position on Iran in February:

"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran
is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the
table."
(Feb. 22)

In March, the nation breathed a sigh of relief when Bush made it
clear that not only does he not play God, he also doesn't talk to
pictures of dead people:

"In this job you've got a lot on your plate on a regular basis. You
don't have much time to sit around and wander, lonely in the Oval
Office, kind of asking different portraits, 'How do you think my
standing will be?'"
(March 16)

Bush also explained his Social Security plan for those who die
before they die:

"If they pre-decease or die early, there's an asset base to be able
to pass on to a loved one."
(March 30)

In April, Bush announced that the coal supply was plentiful and that
it was good for the environment on Earth II:

"We have enough coal to last for 250 years, yet coal also prevents
an environmental challenge."
(April 20)

April was also a big month for progress in the war in Iraq, as Bush
explained again and again. Among his announcements was the noble decree
that terrorists should be kept safe:


"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to
us and get them out of harm's way."
(April 28)

In May, the Social Security crisis made a comeback as Bush appealed
to young folks by either making or breaking promises to them, hard to
tell which:

"I think younger workers - first of all, younger workers have been
promised benefits the government - promises that have been promised,
benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is."
(May 4)

Despite the fact that nothing he said about Social Security made any
sense on Earth I, he also promised to keep saying it:

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and
over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the
propaganda." (
May 24)

In June, Bush explained that, happily, Earth I's coal supply had
grown:

"Do you realize we've got 250 million years of coal?" (June 8)

In July, Bush suspended all formal rules of grammar in his fight
against an increasingly unruly press. Not only was freedom on the march,
so was his syntax:

"The best place for the facts to be done is by somebody who's
spending time investigating it."
(July 18)

During August, Bush got a peek at reality when he flew over Earth I
in his flying saucer to see the hurricane damage:

"It's totally wiped out. It's devastating. It's got to be doubly
devastating from the ground."
(Aug. 31)

In September, he finally responded to the hurricane crisis by
rolling up his sleeves for a photo op. Also, he cautioned EarthIings to
quit hoarding gasoline:

"Don't buy gas if you don't need it." (Sept. 1)

Also in September, we learned that the five senses are different on
Earth II:

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do
our job."
(Sept. 20)

With the October nomination of Harriet Mires, Bush illustrated that,
on Earth II, inexperience is the very BEST qualification for a Supreme
Court judge:

"It's important to bring somebody from outside the judicial system,
somebody that hasn't been on the bench and, therefore, there's not a lot
of opinions for people to look at."
(Oct. 4)

In November, Bush visited the southern hemisphere on Earth I and
learned a little geography about our planet:

"Wow! Brazil is big." (Nov. 6)

Finally, in December, Bush admitted that maybe the war in Iraq
didn't need to happen. Except, on Earth II, it did need to happen:

"Whether or not it needed to happen, I'm still convinced it needed
to happen."
(Dec. 13)

And so, Bush parties on in his Earth II White House, blissfully unaware
that the jig is up on Earth I, where New Orleans is still in sorry
shape; where the war in Iraq grinds on to no purpose; where the rich get
richer; where the uninsured get sicker; where the former presidential
nickname Bubba has been supplanted by Bubble Boy.

It's been a heck of a year, Bubble Boy. And always believe your Imagines
when they tell you:

Fairy tales can come true,

It can happen to you,

If you're on Earth II.
posted by Mike 11:05 PM

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The musings and meanderings of an overworked and underemployed mind